So I was talking to a woman tonight while we were working on a very frustrating project, and she said about one of the contributors, “this work is so bad it sucks my dick!”.
Let’s imagine the first person who thought that something was so bad that it was as though their dick was sucked.
Only women say this.
When you look at it, it’s really no wonder it’s called a “joystick”.
I grew up spending long periods of time playing with this joystick.
And when I hit puberty, it was double trouble.
I’ve never been to Thailand, but I’ve heard the same stories you have about the sex trade there.
I’ve noticed that all the men I know who have gone to Thailand immediately cough up a purpose for their trip: they’re taking SCUBA classes, cooking classes, yoga, hiking.
Maybe they did go for these activities, maybe they didn’t.
Either way, it seems that telling someone about a trip to Thailand immediately necessitates justifying the trip with a non-sex purpose.
I really think this would be a great official holiday.
At some point, we all do it anyway, so why not have a day dedicated to imagining what the people around you would look like having sex?
It’s a kind of perverted form of people watching.
Today, for instance, I was sitting in a crepe place on California at Divisadero. I didn’t have anything interesting to read, so I started people watching.
But the people weren’t really doing anything, so I had to spice it up a bit.
“I wonder what she would look like having sex?” I thought of the 85 year old woman trying to eat soup with a shaky hand.
“Yuk, move on, move on!”.
I played this game for about 5 minutes and then the food arrived. But I had completely lost my appetite.
Don’t imagine random people having sex right before you eat.
But it’s fun to do – most people don’t really come across as sexual. You have to really work hard at it to see them in sex mode.
I like what About.com writes about “personal lubricant”:
“Personal lubricants are perhaps the greatest unsung sex toy. While it’s true that lubricant can be used to solve a sexual problem, like vaginal dryness, lube is much more than something to use only when you “need” it.”
The article continues to point out that lubricant can:
* Intensify and enhance sensations (for solo or partner sex)
* Change the way that sex feels
* Help you have sex longer
* Make safer sex safer by reducing the chances that a condom will break
* Eliminate pain associated with intercourse that comes from vaginal dryness
* Be essential for certain kinds of sex play, like using sex toys and exploring anal sex
I went into one of the otherwise seedy looking “toy” stores by my apartment in SOMA. Some lubricants are like $80 for a tiny bottle.
Every year I am always looking for that one gift I can buy everyone. The “one gift” idea is great because you buy a bunch of them, and if someone gives you a gift and you forgot to get them one, you just grab a gift from your bag of “one gifts” and voila, you’re covered.
And what better gift than truly expensive lubricant to enhance the pleasure of those you love?
< Note: This is filed under “satire” – I’ve realized I need to come right out and say this >
If I were Eliot, I would have told my wife, “listen honey, I really love you and I’m sorry I screwed the hooker. We’ll have some counseling, rent some porn, buy expensive lube, and get the kink happening again. In the meantime, I REALLY need you to come stand beside me as I apologize and try to explain myself to the public.”
Knowing people would want an explanation, I’d would have walked out to the podium holding her hand.
Then I would have stepped up to the mic, turned to my wife and said, “Exhibit A. Look at her…I mean, can you blame me for wanting a hot, 22 year old? Need I say more?”
A recent study of 500 people, 250 of whom were bloggers and 250 were not, determined that bloggers are ranked as “excellent in bed” by their significant others 32% more often than those who do not blog.
The study by Mike Kopp, an independent marketing consultant in San Francisco, took three months to complete.
“I did the study because my hypothesis was that bloggers would be judged as worse in bed. An ex-girlfriend of mine got obsessed with blogging, to the point where she would be up late at night doing it. It began to feel like her whole reality was just fodder for her blog. I blamed our lack of sex life on her blogging.”
Kopp, who is 39 and self describes himself as “a marketing geek, a data junky, and fantastic in the sack” used two interns from Cal Poly SLO to carry out the study.
“I was stunned that the results came back radically different than my prediction, so I had the intern re-poll 10% of the bloggers significant others to ask why.”
The answer came back: passion.
“What we found is that people blog because they are passionate about something. These are people who stick to their interests long after others have moved on to something else.”
Asked about alternative explanations for his ex-girlfriend’s lack of interest in sex with him, Kopp replied, “Well, I’m starting to think she didn’t lose interest in sex, she just lost interest in it with me. And I can’t understand that, because I’ve been having sex with myself since I was 13 and a day doesn’t go by that I am still not interested in doing myself.”
Kopp added that his next study will “determine whether interns are better in the sack.”