Great T Shirt Idea

I was watching a 30 Rock the other night, and thought this piece of advice from Alec Baldwin’s character who was listening to Liz Lemon tell an exhausting story about her brief mis-adventure with a has-been writer.

He had this hilarious line, which should be a t-shirt.

“Never follow a hippy to a second location.”

I love that line.

Advertisements

Drunk Dialing (Cringe)

I went out on Halloween with a friend of mine from high school (I’m in NYC now).

He skipped dinner and consequently got pretty drunk.

I left the party early so I could work the next day.

When I checked my voicemails the next day, there were nine voicemails from him.

But the story gets worse.

He doesn’t remember calling me.

Or the woman from his acting class who left him a voicemail the next day that said, “So, you left me a message last night when you were drunk and I think we need to talk about it.”

Cringe.

He’s scared to call her and find out what, exactly, he said.

If I Could Only Write for The Onion

In about ’96, I wrote a letter to The Onion notifying them of my intent to submit freelance articles. It seemed like such a natural fit. I was bummed when I found out (I think they may have written me back, not sure) that they do not accept submissions:

The Onion
Why the hell would they have that policy? Think of all the freaks out there who would finally have a place to focus their freak?

Ok, so, pieces I would have written:

I would have given out an annual “Lifetime Underachievement Award”.

Being that I do SEO, I’d have written a futuristic piece:

“People Finally Find Everything; Google Declares Bankruptcy”.

Like Mike: Episodes

Phil wrote:

“Ok guys:

We have to keep writing this:

Mike used to drink a bottle of vodka..
Now he does….. (blank)….. a day…..

What does mike do now, in replacement of booze..?.

Brainstorm and Please fill in the gap above For this crucial part of the series….”

Here is my proposed episode:

Mike goes to tons of AA meetings. They ask him to do the sound (which he is btw).

He starts hearing the most amazing stories: housewives fucking crackdealers, oil tycoons hiring the most elite class of escorts.

Mike decides to secretly record the stories in order to send them to his friend Phil, who he believe is becoming an alcoholic. Mike thinks if Phil hears these stories, he will be forewarned and slow his drinking down.

Rather than hearing warning messages, Phil instead sees great material in the recordings. He begins podcasting them without Mike knowing. Almost overnight, the podcasts are an Internet phenomenon.

AA finds out. Horrified, they begin a commission to find out who was behind this.

Mike, the only sound person, is first in the line of fire and it’s only a matter of hours before he is arrested by the organization that has given him his life back.

<end of episode>

<scenes from next week>

Mike pleads with Phil to take ownership of the crime. Phil agrees he will tell AA it was him behind the podcasts. Moments before Phil shows up at the AA press conference, we see Phil and Craig in a strip club, finishing yet another glass of whiskey.

“Come on,” Phil says, “we’ll be late for the press conference”.

“Not yet,” Craig says. “I have this hot black chick all over me.”

“Well, you can take her with us. I bet if you pay her $500, she’ll come with.”

“Great idea!” Craig says.

Phil, Craig, and the black stripper exit the strip club and head to the press conference to restore Mike back to good standing with AA.

Making the world a better place, one wink at a time

Today I learned a lot from my friend Mike about how to be a better person, and I’d like to share the lesson so that you can also become a better person.

It was a warm, sunny day.

We were crusing around on Union Street, ogling the many beautiful and scantily clad women.
union1.gif

Mike decided to teach me a lesson in generosity and charity.

“It’s nice to give the fatties a wink once in a while, you know, to make them feel good, like they’re actually in the game.”

What a thoughtful and endearing concept. I was really quite moved. How selfish of me to only give positive affirmation to beautiful women.

Mike then proceeded to demonstrate this altruistic technique.

“Hey baby,” he said with a wink as we passed a woman who must have weighed at least 185 pounds.

The delightful look on her face as she realized that she was being objectified brought so much joy to our hearts.

We all know that society has defined beauty as being thin and having large breasts.

And while it’s hard not to agree with society’s logical conclusion, life can be hard for women who don’t go to the gym or get boob jobs.

I am grateful to Mike for enlightening me to the idea of objectifying all women. I hope this post enables you to be a better person, too.
mike21.gif