Archive for ‘satire’

November 11, 2008

My Economic Stimulus Package

Yesterday, China revealed a plan to spend $586B in the next two years.

Obama has been talking about a $25B plan.

It’s interesting to look at how China and the US will spend the money.  Some improved roads here, some subsidies and tax breaks there.  After awhile it all looks the same.

In the US, we have about 275M people.  If we took the $25B and distributed it equally to every American, that’s about $90M each.

I vote for that.  And you can tax the rich – sure, 40% sounds just fine.  Why wait for it to trickle down?  Just give us the money and let’s stop worrying.

April 29, 2008

Things to Put in Your Earthquake Kit

The first thing you must have in an earthquake kit is a pistol.

Those who are not prepared will resort to force to get resources out of those who have them.

So you want a pistol.

Most of the other items are obvious: food, water, flashlight, radio, cash, batteries.

And the other nice thing about the pistol is if you run out of anything, well, just grab the pistol and go find someone who has a robust earthquake kit sans pistol.

April 25, 2008

Suicide Hotline Volunteer Work: What I Learned

People have been asking me what I learned from volunteering at a suicide call center.

It gets tiring telling people to “hang in there” and that they have something to live for when you really know they don’t.

Which is why I am writing my new book (see below).

Give Up

I’d like to dedicate my book to the New Zealand Chess Team and the Polish Space Exploration Project.

April 12, 2008

Chris O’Connor Demo Reel

This story is so extreme and bizarre that it is difficult to believe.

Born with rare afflictions, his disabilities held him back. As other children learned to talk, then read and write, Chris O’Connor was still not potty trained.

Despite the humiliation of showing up to school wearing diapers at the age of 9, Chris’ determination to be a “normal” child was so moving that it inspired an ABC After School Special. The show was one of the most successful After School Specials in history (though some critics have pointed out that this is because it was misinterpreted as a slap stick comedy by millions of viewers).

Ironically inspired by the television show that he inspired, Chris found the inner strength to battle his diseases. By the age of 15, he overcame the rare childhood afflictions to do what no one thought he could:

He learned to read.

Sure, he was a 15 year old struggling to read children’s books, but doctors predicted he would never be able to comprehend a written sentence.

Within a year, Chris learned to count to seven and was no longer wearing diapers.

By the age of 17, Chris was able to read short sentences from a teleprompter, and before long, his career in television took off.

Now just weeks away from 40, Chris is at the height of his career and created his first reel as he seeks to take himself to the big times.

Chris Fondling Pregnant Woman on Air

{Chris O’Connor fondling pregnant woman during show. Chris was later sued for harassment.}

Chris has had a string of bad luck in his professional career. Some claim that he has been treated unfairly. The truth is that he’s not quite “normal” and others lack compassion and punish him for his “inappropriate” behavior.

Chris lacks the well-calibrated social filters expected in civilized adults. This is simply a function of his disabilities. He reacts before he thinks. This has resulted in several law suits (harassment, lewd behavior, assault). Below, Chris is interviewing a woman on a bed moments before grabbing her.

We should all be proud of the accomplishments of Chris O’Connor and that we live in a society so accepting of people with his disabilities that we can overlook them on television.

Now: enjoy Chris’ reel:

Chris O’Connor’s Reel from chris o'connor on Vimeo.

March 17, 2008

What Eliot Spitzer’s Apology Should Have Said

< Note: This is filed under “satire” – I’ve realized I need to come right out and say this >

If I were Eliot, I would have told my wife, “listen honey, I really love you and I’m sorry I screwed the hooker. We’ll have some counseling, rent some porn, buy expensive lube, and get the kink happening again. In the meantime, I REALLY need you to come stand beside me as I apologize and try to explain myself to the public.”

Knowing people would want an explanation, I’d would have walked out to the podium holding her hand.

Then I would have stepped up to the mic, turned to my wife and said, “Exhibit A. Look at her…I mean, can you blame me for wanting a hot, 22 year old? Need I say more?”

eliot spitzer’s apology speech