My Economic Stimulus Package

Yesterday, China revealed a plan to spend $586B in the next two years.

Obama has been talking about a $25B plan.

It’s interesting to look at how China and the US will spend the money.  Some improved roads here, some subsidies and tax breaks there.  After awhile it all looks the same.

In the US, we have about 275M people.  If we took the $25B and distributed it equally to every American, that’s about $90M each.

I vote for that.  And you can tax the rich – sure, 40% sounds just fine.  Why wait for it to trickle down?  Just give us the money and let’s stop worrying.

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Things to Put in Your Earthquake Kit

The first thing you must have in an earthquake kit is a pistol.

Those who are not prepared will resort to force to get resources out of those who have them.

So you want a pistol.

Most of the other items are obvious: food, water, flashlight, radio, cash, batteries.

And the other nice thing about the pistol is if you run out of anything, well, just grab the pistol and go find someone who has a robust earthquake kit sans pistol.

Suicide Hotline Volunteer Work: What I Learned

People have been asking me what I learned from volunteering at a suicide call center.

It gets tiring telling people to “hang in there” and that they have something to live for when you really know they don’t.

Which is why I am writing my new book (see below).

Give Up

I’d like to dedicate my book to the New Zealand Chess Team and the Polish Space Exploration Project.

Chris O’Connor Demo Reel

This story is so extreme and bizarre that it is difficult to believe.

Born with rare afflictions, his disabilities held him back. As other children learned to talk, then read and write, Chris O’Connor was still not potty trained.

Despite the humiliation of showing up to school wearing diapers at the age of 9, Chris’ determination to be a “normal” child was so moving that it inspired an ABC After School Special. The show was one of the most successful After School Specials in history (though some critics have pointed out that this is because it was misinterpreted as a slap stick comedy by millions of viewers).

Ironically inspired by the television show that he inspired, Chris found the inner strength to battle his diseases. By the age of 15, he overcame the rare childhood afflictions to do what no one thought he could:

He learned to read.

Sure, he was a 15 year old struggling to read children’s books, but doctors predicted he would never be able to comprehend a written sentence.

Within a year, Chris learned to count to seven and was no longer wearing diapers.

By the age of 17, Chris was able to read short sentences from a teleprompter, and before long, his career in television took off.

Now just weeks away from 40, Chris is at the height of his career and created his first reel as he seeks to take himself to the big times.

Chris Fondling Pregnant Woman on Air

{Chris O’Connor fondling pregnant woman during show. Chris was later sued for harassment.}

Chris has had a string of bad luck in his professional career. Some claim that he has been treated unfairly. The truth is that he’s not quite “normal” and others lack compassion and punish him for his “inappropriate” behavior.

Chris lacks the well-calibrated social filters expected in civilized adults. This is simply a function of his disabilities. He reacts before he thinks. This has resulted in several law suits (harassment, lewd behavior, assault). Below, Chris is interviewing a woman on a bed moments before grabbing her.

We should all be proud of the accomplishments of Chris O’Connor and that we live in a society so accepting of people with his disabilities that we can overlook them on television.

Now: enjoy Chris’ reel:

Chris O’Connor’s Reel from chris o'connor on Vimeo.

What Eliot Spitzer’s Apology Should Have Said

< Note: This is filed under “satire” – I’ve realized I need to come right out and say this >

If I were Eliot, I would have told my wife, “listen honey, I really love you and I’m sorry I screwed the hooker. We’ll have some counseling, rent some porn, buy expensive lube, and get the kink happening again. In the meantime, I REALLY need you to come stand beside me as I apologize and try to explain myself to the public.”

Knowing people would want an explanation, I’d would have walked out to the podium holding her hand.

Then I would have stepped up to the mic, turned to my wife and said, “Exhibit A. Look at her…I mean, can you blame me for wanting a hot, 22 year old? Need I say more?”

eliot spitzer’s apology speech

Women My Age Are Too Old For Me

I have my 20th high school reunion in September. (Yea, I don’t look that old – it’s the facial cream.)

It’s going to be very weird going and seeing people twenty years later: the people I never talked to, the people who got really fat or bald or look really old.

But the weirdest thing of all is that it’ll be the first time I have been around the people I went to high school with wherein the women are now too old for me.

Sure, when I was 16, another 16 year old seemed like a good choice.

But at the age of 37, one of the many double-standards that favor men has become obvious: the women my age are too old for me.

I’m 37 and I still don’t know if I want kids. As far as I’m concerned, I have another five years to figure that out, maybe even more.

How many women have the luxury of being undecided at 37?

Also, if I date a 35 year old who wants kids, she is going to pressure me to move things along very fast.

That’s why I’ve come to the conclusion that for me, the perfect age is somewhere between 26 and 31, give or take a few years. This age bracket will remain my target for the next 25 years, which leads me to my next point…

There is, of course, the observation that it is far more common to see an older man with a much younger (and more attractive) woman than it is to see the opposite.

Exhibit A: Larry King and wife Shawn Southwick:

Sugar Daddy

So, are these young women at all attracted to the older guys? Because I would never want to have sex with the female version of Larry King.

When I think about how many more years I have before I really need to think about kids, men like Larry become role models.

(I’m adding this note based on the criticism I’ve gotten – please note that this was filed under “satire”).

Your MySpace Page & The Fame You Await

So, I checked out your music on MySpace.

You probably get really excited to see all the additional plays you get when people stumble on your page because of all the ways you have cleverly marketed yourself.

But you know what?

I moved on.

There are so many of you. Thousands? Millions?

And even the good ones are only worth checking out for a few minutes.

And the best ones? Well, I’ll listen to their music a few times.

If I really like you, well I might stream you on Rhapsody. That’ll get you a few pennies every month. But then I’ll probably blend you into the 600 other musicians I consider genius and when the musical honeymoon period wears off, you’ll fade into the background.

You’ll have to work hard to find another new fan to make up for the ones that are getting distracted and moving on.

After I first discover your MySpace page, I’ll move on to another deliciously short-lived entertainment fling: it might be a YouTube video, I might go to Facebook and see what all the hot women I went to college with are up to, or I might just navigate Wikipedia for 25 minutes.

I’ll probably start on a page about someone like Parker Posey, then 15 minutes and four clicks later find myself on a page about Service-Oriented Architecture.

I won’t really be sure how I got to this page from the one about Parker, but I did.

I’ll explore my Technorati Profile for awhile.

And with so many options in front of me, I keep clicking and moving on to a new experience in a seemingly infinite world of options that reduce the best and most talented to a short-lived moment, like a kiss on the cheek: it was nice but there is no looking back as long as there is a world of more in front of me.

And the sad thing is that you so believe in your talent that you are waiting for fame. But you know what? Fame was something that came to musicians when the world of options was far less infinite, when everything wasn’t free and ready to jump out of thin air and into your computer’s speakers.

Fame was something that happened in a time when things would come and stick to you for years because it’d cost you $15 / album to move on to something else.

We are in the age of the entertainment fling.