If I Could Only Write for The Onion

In about ’96, I wrote a letter to The Onion notifying them of my intent to submit freelance articles. It seemed like such a natural fit. I was bummed when I found out (I think they may have written me back, not sure) that they do not accept submissions:

The Onion
Why the hell would they have that policy? Think of all the freaks out there who would finally have a place to focus their freak?

Ok, so, pieces I would have written:

I would have given out an annual “Lifetime Underachievement Award”.

Being that I do SEO, I’d have written a futuristic piece:

“People Finally Find Everything; Google Declares Bankruptcy”.

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