The Olympic Torch Runner Political Issue: What San Francisco Should Have Done

We have all heard about the protests that have been accompanying the Olympic torch runners.

In San Francisco today, city officials changed the scheduled route of the torch run when they took one look at the crowd on the Embarcadero.

I had the unique opportunity of taking the ferry this morning from the epicenter of where the protests were anticipated. At 8:00 AM, I watched a bus of policemen unload and get ready.

Rather than changing the route, which is sort of clever, I would have hired hundreds of decoys to run around with fake torches. The decoy runners would be armed with mace, stun guns and tear gas. That way, if anyone got too close, they could let loose and bring a few dozen people down before running off to safety – preferably a pub.

In my version of things, the hundreds of runners would have emerged simultaneously from AT&T Park and immediately sprinted in every direction possible. The confused crowd and media would be split into hundreds of tiny groups largely incapable of keeping pace with the runners.

When all the runners had ripped the crowd apart, I would have then had a fat guy emerge from AT&T park walking with the real torch.

Why a fat guy? Because fat people look funny trying to run. And carrying an Olympic torch, they’re even funnier. And in the middle of this mayhem: hilarious.

Oh, and I’d have him stop for a smoke break every few blocks.

No one would suspect a fat guy smoking cigarettes would have the real torch, so he’d be fine.